I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
