The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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