about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You made out with two different species that night
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize