my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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