your parents love me but you hate me
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
