at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize