Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
