I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
