I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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