note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
