Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
