I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
