Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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