Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
