am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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