this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
