Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
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