when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Buhtt sex?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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