At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
