apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
