I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
