Umm I'm too high to move.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
