I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize