So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
