My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
