my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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