just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
so let's talk penis.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
