I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
