worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
how does that bad decision feel?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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