You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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