I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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