the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
