I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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