I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Randomize
