if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
its liver damage thursday
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
