yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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