i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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