Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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