Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
