Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
