new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
