What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
This is the high leading the old right now
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
