Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
