All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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