Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
