Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
