Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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