Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize