I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
