new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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