the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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