he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
