Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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