I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize