maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
